Earlier this year I plotted out all of the dates where I could “run into” the Affair. I jotted down every conference he was speaking at and every industry event we both might be at. I figured it was less psycho to show up at these “shared” events than to plan trips to his state every few months. It was subtle… and in a way, it was like I was manufacturing fate. The Affair had no idea I pre-planned these things. He would just see me and think “wow, I am sure seeing a lot of Shelby. We must really have a lot in common” or something like that. Maybe he would think it was fate. But it wasnt.
It was fate that we met. It was fate that we connected like we did. It was not fate that I flew to his state and it was not fate that he flew home early in January to meet me in a hotel room. It was not fate that he asked me to stop talking to him so that he could persue a “real” relationship.
So, after a month or two of no contact I came to terms with the fact that it was over. I still checked in on him now and then virtually, without his knowledge. I would check in on his Twitter stream to see what he was up to. But I did not ping him and I did not text him and I did not email him. It was over and I was dealing.
I cancelled my plans to attend BlackHat in July and another conference in September. I was doing it. I was stepping away. And it was good. It was better this way for my family and for my sanity.
Then, I received an email for a raffle for a free ticket to BlackHat. Because it was something I wanted to go to anyway, I put in for it. And, as fate has it, I won a ticket. So- the trip was back on. Of course, by this time flights were wicked expensive and my company would not foot the bill for this one. So I decdied to put it on the back burner. Flights were too high and it was not worth it out of my own pocket.
Then, I logged in to expedia randomly one morning and flights were super cheap. So I got ticktes. And the discounted rate at the hotel was still open and they had rooms. So I booked it. So, is it fate? I put myself out there and manufactured bits and pieces by applying for the free ticket, but is it fate that I got it? Is it fate that flights went down for a few days? Is it fate there were rooms left? Is it fate that I will be forced to sit in the same room with the Affair and look into his eyes?
I am extreamly nervous. I can see it being very causual and nothing happening. We will have light conversation in the presence of other industry friends and coworkers and we will go our seperate way. OR that spark will be there and we will be unable to stay away from each other. He will invite me to his room and I will ask him to touch me. He will put his hand in my hair and kiss me.
Honestly, it would be nice to have him again. And honestly, I will be disappointed if he shows no interest. But really- it might be better if he doesnt make a move. Am I stupid for even going? Is this just asking for trouble? What good can come from this? Is this fate or just me trying to manufacture my own destiny?
