Why Holidays Suck

My husband always has break-downs during the holidays. Last year during Christmas break he threw a can of pinto beans out the front door onto our front yard. I chose to use pinto beans instead of red beans and I guess it put him over the edge. As I replay it in my head it sounds like a bad sitcom. But it wasn’t. It was my life.

Holidays have sucked for awhile now. They didn’t used to. Everyone used to say Holidays are nothing but family drama, but I used to look forward to them. I loved Thanksgiving at my Uncle’s house and Christmas dinner at my parent’s house. I got along well with my cousins. I looked forward to our get-togethers. I always thought we would be close forever.

And then things changed. We kids grew up. I moved away and couldn’t afford to fly home every year. The cousins started arguing over who would host the holiday dinners. My cousin and his wife didn’t want to invite my annoying whorish grandpa to their house and my brother and his wife didn’t want to invite “everyone” to their house. (My brother’s wife likes her nice clean white carpet too much for that) Eventually the family split up into two or three separate Thanksgivings.

So, I was up early with the kids getting juice and cereal. I cleaned up and cooked a nice Thanksgiving dinner. I cleaned the dishes afterward. I did the laundry. The Husband spent the majority of the day playing on his Xbox 360. And during our brief moments of interaction he was bitching. Bitching about how he is bored and who knows what else.

I think he is closer to his Xbox friends than to me.

And I want out. I want to pull his Xbox headphones off right now and tell him- I want out. But as soon as I start playing it out in my head I start tearing up. Right here less than a foot away from him I am crying. And he has no idea. I can’t understand why- if I want it so bad, does it hurt so much?

I always come back to the same question that I can’t answer. Is the problem the husband and my relationship, or is it the circumstances we are in. Maybe we are too isolated. Maybe we need to be back in California. Or maybe it is just us.

I am afraid. I am sad for my kids. I am afraid of throwing my life out of sync.

I think I should go back to therapy. I want a new therapist because I think I should have a second opinion. My therapist told me I wasn’t happy. But you don’t see a therapist when you are happy- you see them when you are falling apart.

Holidays suck because families can’t get a long. Even when you think things are going well there are issues festering. My Uncle used to bring his new wife to Christmas while his ex-wife still showed. That had to be awkward. After my grandma died my grandpa brought the woman he had been having an affair with for 20 years to Thanksgiving. The problem is not the Holiday. The problem is family. All I want is a normal, calm, decent, happy family. But I can tell I am going to need a shit load of therapists for that… and I just don’t have the budget for it this year.

Another Break-up and Why Women Like Married Men

The hacker broke up with me… again. This is the second time, but this time it was for real. We were on Skype. I knew beforehand that he was probably going to do it. I knew the East-coast Girl was nearing graduation and he kept telling me we “needed to connect”. So, I was prepared for the worst, but I put on my sexy panties just in case.

We got on Skype and he told me what he told me last time- that he really just needs to cut off all contact with me. No texts, no IMs, no retweets… nothing. I wondered why we couldn’t at least be friends. We work in the same industry, we know A LOT of the same people, and I am genuinely interesting in how he is doing. But I didn’t ask. I accepted it. I did not want to argue with the Hacker. I wanted to respect his decision.

My ego tried to tell me I must just be so goddamn tempting that he has to cut off all contact. My sense told me otherwise. I know he has self control. The hacker just wants a new life. He wants to start over and do the right thing. I am not the right thing.

We talked for a bit afterward and caught up on trivial updates and then we said our goodbyes. I logged off Skype and I thought about things. And I cried a little.

And I realized a few things.

1) I liked the Hacker more than I should. My fault.

2) Something about the affair made my relationship with the Husband better.

3) The Hacker dumping me made me like him more.

I know a lot of people who think that women who sleep with “taken” men do it for the power-play. Sometimes this is true, but it is deeper than that.

I don’t want the Hacker so that I can “win” or get an ego boost from the fact that he “chose me”. I want the Hacker because that is they type of guy I want. Women are drawn to “taken” men, especially those who blow them off because those are the good guys. The bad boys are exciting and fun for the game, but in the end the good guy is the one who will treat you right. The good guy will turn down a hot girl at a conference because they want to- not because they think they should. We all want to be that girl.

Just When I Was Doing so Well… You Go and Ping Me!!

It’s been about a week since the Homewrecker has contacted the Husband.  I am feeling pretty good about myself.  I am feeling confident in the Husband.  I am starting to think maybe we can get things back on track.  I hadn’t spoken with the Hacker for a few weeks.  I was respecting his request for me to back off and for him to grow his relationship with the long-distance girl… then…  He contacts me twice on IM.  I can do okay if I am not the one reaching out but if he starts it- I lose control.  So he pings me.  Innocent enough at first, but flirty.  We chat.  Then, a day later he pings me again.  He makes hints that his iPhone can now accept SMS Texts.  I know what this means.  This is our “thing”.  He says I am trouble.  I know he likes it.  He is a good boy with a bad side, and I am a bad girl with a good side.  I am innocent enough-  brought up well, parents still together.  I have only slept with a handful of guys.  I generally have long-term relationships.  I have been proposed to 5 times.  I dream.  But… I am also jaded, intelligent, and rough around the edges.  I have lived in different places and have been around many different types of people.  I am charming and confident.  I am not naive.  I know how to get what I want when I want it…

So-  I take the bait, knowing I am taking the bait.  He knows I know. 

I guy I met last month had text me the same thing a day earlier.  “I am so glad I have SMS on my iPhone now”… he didnt get a response.  All I sent back was “lol cool”.  No naked pics for you!  The night I met this guy- I took him to a local bar for drinks after work.   He was out for business- he is a well known speaker in our industry… and married.  I took him to a local bar and he was buying drinks.  We had a blast and he asked me back to his hotel room about 5 or 6 times before I left and went home.  Sex is easy to find.  But I dont take the bait. 

The hacker, on the other hand…  he drew me in.  It was slow.  It took him 7 months.  He was slow because he was paranoid.  It worked to his advantage. 

Before the night was up, this other guy is sitting with me at the bar and texts me “you’re all talk”…  and he thought that was going to motivate me to sleep with him? Silly boy.  Tricks are for kids. 

So-  I sent the hacker some awesome steamy pics.  I told him I wanted to do some Q&A on his new SMS feature.  It was fun, but it made me miss him more.  I wanted to see him so bad.  I wanted to feel his hands on my waist again.  I wanted to kiss him.  And now I have to sit back and watch his life unfold with the long-distance girl.  Ugh.  But I am here, and I have kids.  I am far too intense and complicated for him.  It feels like it was meant to be… I always wonder why I met him so late.  I feel drawn to him like no other… but the timing was wrong.  Maybe in another life…

Finding a Job in Another State…

… is impossible.  That is all.  No really, unless you have a super specialized skill, employers are discouraged by candidates in other areas.  Times are rough and no one has the budget to fly an interviewee out to another state for an interview that may, or may not lead to something more.  I know this because I have been applying for jobs in California- the Bay Area.  Besides the fact that competition is extremely high (and so is the cost of living) I think employers are not willing to entertain the idea of relocating an employee.  Even when I use a local address on my resume, the current job history says it all.  And California is not somewhere I feel comfortable picking up and moving to without a job or a place to live. 

Texas, on the other hand…  The husband and I moved to Texas from California because we were having a hell of a time finding work and an affordable place to live.  We packed up a minivan full of our stuff, 2 dogs, and 2 kids- who were 3 months and 1 1/2 years old.  We drove from California to Texas like crazy people with only an apartment lined up and no jobs.  We drove like madmen to arrive- and thankfully- we were granted our apartment.  It was one hell of a drive across country with two little ones.  Short on cash- the first night we slept at a rest stop.  The kids slept most of the time in their car seats while we drove.  At the rest stop they slept on our chests in the front seat.  Once we arrived in Texas I immediately hooked myself up with a temp agency and after a few hit and misses, landed a pidly job at a good company.  I worked my ass off and was hired on within a year.  Then I was promoted.  Then I bought a house.  Then I left for a better job.

In California- this is a lot harder to do.  I was born and raised in Cali, and I have resorted to living with my parents on numerous occasions because of high rent- or hard to find work.  Many days I think to myself and wonder why I left Cali.  My family is there.  It is hard out here in Texas all alone.  No support.  Two children.  A husband whom I am never 100% sure loves me.  Chances.  I did it because I like change and I like to take chances.  I wonder what my life would be like if I didnt take these chances, and where I would be. 

There is a lot for me in California.  My family.  My friends. Freedom.  There are also dangerous things in California.  Ex girlfriends and boyfriends.  Temptation.  Risk.  Failure.  But I wonder what is out there for me.  I can’t keep myself and those I love locked in a box because I am afraid of what might be out there that can hurt me.  But I can’t give up all I have built for something that might not work out.  It has taken me five years to build the life I have now in Texas.  I would be very upset if I gave it all up and was lost in California… and that is why I won’t move there unless I find a job first.  Which doesnt look like it is going to happen anytime soon.  So- I have decided to start looking in Texas.  Maybe I just need a change of pace.  Maybe I just need more money.  Maybe I feel taken advantage of.  Maybe I am bored.  At any rate- maybe it is time for change.

I Think my Neighbor is a Whore

No, really…  I mean a real work-for-sex whore.  Since we have moved in she has been off and on with her husband.  He moved out for the third time 2 weeks ago.  One day, she told my husband during casual conversation that she had a problem with “committment”.  

In the past week there have been three different trucks parked in her driveway.  First it was a white F150.  Last night it was a red truck.  Tonight- a big white dully.  She started this about a week after her husband moved out.  At first I thought she was just a hoochie, but now I am really starting to think this is how she makes money.  She is always home. 

The part that bothers me is that she has three little girls.  I dont like all those guys in and out of the house, but I guess I shouldnt jump to conclusions.  Maybe she just likes sex.

The Ouroboros: The beginning is the end is the beginning again

As soon as I made the decision to be with the Husband and try to give him my all again things changed.  It started in July.  The homewrecker sent the husband a message on Facebook.  He told me about it a few days later.  They used to date in high school.  She lost her virginity to him.

At first their communication was legit.  Nothing out of the ordinary for two friends catching up.  I had no idea what was going on.  I didn’t much care. 

One day when I was checking the cell phone bill I saw that his text capacity was higher than it usually is, by far.  So, I checked.  I saw a lot of texts to a number that was out of our area code.  As I looked further I saw two picture messages.  On the bill I cannot see what was sent, just that it was sent and a date and time stamp.  

It was at this point where I lost all logical thinking and most of my confidence.  I immediately confronted the husband when I got home.  He explained that it was totally legit conversation and that the pictures were nothing bad.  I asked him to show me these “legitimate” texts.  Of course, he had deleted them. 

Later that night while he slept I went into his phone and saw that two texts were saved, and they were the pictures.  Pictures of the homewrecker’s face.  I was pissed.  Later I asked him why he didn’t delete them and asked him if he would.  He said no, he didn’t want to.  I told him I wasn’t sure if I could handle him talking to the homewrecker anymore.  He told me… “don’t make me choose, because you might not win.”

And so it began.  About a month and a-half of me going totally crazy.  Later, He would not be surprised to learn that I had gotten into his facebook account and had been monitoring their conversations the whole time.  He saved his sent messages so I was privy to everything since the beginning.  And I didn’t like it.

Finally, I told him.  I told him after lots of nights of conversation.  Of me checking his phone after he fell asleep.  Of sleepless nights, fights, and great sex.  I finally told him.  He was wondering why I was so tense about the homewrecker and why I had threatened to kick him out of the house twice.  Now he knew.  It made me sick behaving like everything was ok.  I would leave for work and pull over in a parking lot on the way and cry.  I called everyone I knew and asked for advice. 

The husband continued to fuck up for a bit.  He talked to the homewrecker on the phone late at night.  He tried to figure out what he wanted.  And…  he eventually did.  He broke it off with her.  I know he would rather try to have us both, but with a crazy bitch like me around, it is a little difficult. 

I asked him not to text her on her birthday and with a foul breath he said “I don’t even know when her birthday is.”  A week later he text her “Happy Birthday.”

She wrote back two days later, “Thank you.” 

About a week later it was his birthday.  She wrote “Happy Birthday.” 

He didn’t respond. 

Two days later she wrote “Is there a reason you aren’t talking to me.”

He never wrote back.

Finally, he confronted her on facebook and told her they either had to be “just friends” or not talk ever again.  She agreed to a friendship.  I know she is full of shit and if I ever get the chance I will beat her down.  I pleaded with him to allow me to block her account.  To block her number.  To make her disappear.  But he refused.

For the past few days he has been good.  He shows me when he writes.  He no longer comments on her daily “Good morning!!!”  posts.  I feel secure.  I feel happy.  I want her to go away, but I almost like it better if she is there to witness our relationship and I get to witness her being ignored.  I think I can hang with this. 

Part of me still wants payback.  Part of me feels like it was karma.  Part of me hopes these are real feelings from us both and we can make this work.  Games get you nowhere.  I told the husband as this was playing out that I didn’t want to be married to someone who didn’t love me.  He assured me he did. We will see.  As they say, Actions speak louder than words.  And this, I know to be true.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

What a fucking liar.  After a few weeks of talking this crap out, the Husband still feels like he has to lie to me.  He told me he wanted to get closure from the situation with his ex.  So…  he writes her a letter and sends it to her facebook.  He shows me before he sends it.  It is legit.  I ask him to be  honest with me and to at least tell me if he talks to her.  Then he texts her and doesnt tell me.  Again, yesterday, he texts her and doesnt tell me.  I suppose I just dont care anymore.  He is here, but I know he is not 100%.  He tried to talk to her and get her back as a friend, and she refused.   She even said “Your wife deserves better.”  I do.

The Husband, The Friend, and the End

So the husband and his friend are not talking now.  I finally came clean and told him I knew about everything.  Actually, I said “We are both being deceitful”… and laid it out on the table.  This caused him to act strangely toward her, which caused her to get pissed, which caused a blow-up which caused them to stop talking.  He is mad.  I am hurt. 

We did a lot of talking.  “What do we really want” talking.  The husband told me he is not sure what he wants.  He feels trapped.  He has no choice and no freedom to make any decisions.  Any moves he makes will be major moves.  There is no easy way to go about it.  He is depressed.  I suggested counseling.  He said “I don’t need a counselor, maybe YOU need a counselor.” 

I wish he would talk to a counselor.  He needs someone to hear him.  Someone outside of the situation.  He says I over-analyze everything.  He didn’t like how I was hard on his ex/friend/crush.  He told me he was doing it for entertainment.  He is bored.  It is hard to believe that is the only reason.  He told me he cant be satisfied by just one person. 

We didn’t talk much over the past few days.  I think we are both sick of talking.  I don’t want to disrupt my children’s lives.  I don’t want to sell the house.  I like the husband.  I have a feeling it is ending.  It is slowly coming to a head and it will be ugly on its way out.

The husband says I need too much.  He said he makes too many decisions for me.  I told him I am intense.  I know I am intense.  I am all or nothing.  I get obsessive.  But the good thing is that when I love, I love hard.  I am not half-ass about it.  But I need the same.  And yes, I am obsessive and protective, and possessive.  I get jealous easily.  I am insecure.  I am controlling.  But I am also real.  I don’t want someone to be with me if they don’t love me.  I just want someone to love me with the same passion that I love them with.  Its not here.

Cheating: When a Friend is More Than a Friend

I’m sure most relationships go through this:  Your husband/wife has a friend of the opposite sex.  They seem close, and sometimes, too close.  You can’t decide if you are being paranoid or if something is really going on.  The other person assures you the friend is truly, “only a friend”.

Last week on Facebook the Husband was contacted by one of his ex’s.  His first love, in fact.  She lost her verginity to him and she was the first girl he fell for.  I knew a lot about her.  I knew they would want to connect again, and she found him.  He told me right away.  I was glad he told me, it made me feel secure the he was being honest with me.

Then I noticed they were spending more and more time together online.  They would chat on facebook all day until I came home from work.  Then they started texting.  On Tuesday they sent texts to each other from 9-4.  ALL day.  She even sent him two pictures of herself.  (her face, trying to look sexy).  In one, she showed off her shoulders and wrote “And yes, I am wearing a shirt!”.  Not so friend-like to me.

I got pissed.  At first I didn’t want to say anything.  I wanted to trust him.  But then I saw the messages they sent each other on facebook.  She talked about when they slept together for the first time.  They talked about running away together.  All fantasy, but it sill bothered me.  “I want to visit South Africa” he said.  “So are you coming with me?”…  “If you come visit, I might not let you leave!”… 

I refrained myself from blocking her number in his phone.  I am still debating that one today.  Instead, I woke him up at 3:00 a.m. and asked him if he loved me.  I told him I would not be disrespected in my house and that if our marriage is ending, it is going to end because we have issues, not because some bitch is trying to take him away.  He told me that he would lighten up the conversation.  He told me not to worry.  He told me he was not going anywhere. 

But I know he is thinking about it…

When and how do you draw the line?  I feel too controlling just blocking her number, but I might just have to do that.  That way they can only talk on facebook and at least I can monitor it.  But I don’t want to monitor it.  I WANT to trust him.  But I can’t.  He keeps pushing me away.  He gets pissed every time I bring the situation up, but I need some resolution.  Just “not worrying about it” doesn’t work for me when I know there are things going on.

He told me he wished he hadnt told me about her.  Maybe it would have been better.  Maybe not.  I still would have seen those texts.  This still would have gone down. 

I think for now I will not bring it up anymore.  If they text each other next week I am going to block her number from text/calls/ and emails.  And I wont say a thing. 

We dont have the best marriage and I dont know how it is going to end, or if and when it might.  I do know that communication and honesty is key.  If I cant talk to him and he cant talk to me, we will both go other places to talk.

Manufacturing Fate

Earlier this year I plotted out all of the dates where I could “run into” the Affair.  I jotted down every conference he was speaking at and every industry event we both might be at.  I figured it was less psycho to show up at these “shared” events than to plan trips to his state every few months.  It was subtle… and in a way, it was like I was manufacturing fate.  The Affair had no idea I pre-planned these things.  He would just see me and think “wow, I am sure seeing a lot of Shelby.  We must really have a lot in common” or something like that.  Maybe he would think it was fate.  But it wasnt. 

It was fate that we met.  It was fate that we connected like we did.  It was not fate that I flew to his state and it was not fate that he flew home early in January to meet me in a hotel room.  It was not fate that he asked me to stop talking to him so that he could persue a “real” relationship.

So, after a month or two of no contact I came to terms with the fact that it was over.  I still checked in on him now and then virtually, without his knowledge.  I would check in on his Twitter stream to see what he was up to.  But I did not ping him and I did not text him and I did not email him.  It was over and I was dealing.

I cancelled my plans to attend BlackHat in July and another conference in September.  I was doing it.  I was stepping away.  And it was good.  It was better this way for my family and for my sanity. 

Then, I received an email for a raffle for a free ticket to BlackHat.  Because it was something I wanted to go to anyway, I put in for it.  And, as fate has it, I won a ticket.  So- the trip was back on.  Of course, by this time flights were wicked expensive and my company would not foot the bill for this one.  So I decdied to put it on the back burner.  Flights were too high and it was not worth it out of my own pocket.

Then, I logged in to expedia randomly one morning and flights were super cheap.  So I got ticktes.  And the discounted rate at the hotel was still open and they had rooms.  So I booked it.  So, is it fate?  I put myself out there and manufactured bits and pieces by applying for the free ticket, but is it fate that I got it?  Is it fate that flights went down for a few days?  Is it fate there were rooms left?  Is it fate that I will be forced to sit in the same room with the Affair and look into his eyes?

I am extreamly nervous.  I can see it being very causual and nothing happening.  We will have light conversation in the presence of other industry friends and coworkers and we will go our seperate way.  OR that spark will be there and we will be unable to stay away from each other.  He will invite me to his room and I will ask him to touch me.  He will put his hand in my hair and kiss me. 

Honestly, it would be nice to have him again.  And honestly, I will be disappointed if he shows no interest.  But really- it might be better if he doesnt make a move.  Am I stupid for even going?  Is this just asking for trouble?  What good can come from this?  Is this fate or just me trying to manufacture my own destiny?